EGO...

So I'm not all that great with posting everyday...despite the fact that I don't have anything to do but study for the next week. I think it's a lack of commitment that I have issues with...I'm working on it though.

Anyway, I've been rereading Eckhart Tolle's, A new earth. I was sure that during the first read the content didn't really sink in nor stick, plus I have tons of free time (being in-between jobs and visiting a state where I only know one person)...so I picked it up again. After progressing through the first three chapters I realize this book has taken on a new context though the content remained the same. I'm attributing this contextual transition to my ever changing mental schema. At the moment it's laced with fragmented thoughts of attachment and happiness. Both of which the book addresses...

So I sat back and identified all the things that my Ego attaches itself to, this is the list that I've come up with...my beloved city (Atlanta), my family (I love them so), any designer in my closet, being a nurturer, and a seemingly attractive lady. Now in the book he's doesn't state that all egoic attachment as negative... only if you use it to make yourself "right" and the other "wrong", or you somehow become better than someone else because of an attachment that you have gained. Looking back over my list I realize that I don't apply the attachment negatively upon anyone else...although I apply them negatively upon myself (in the light of holding back my growth and success). Well maybe the "designers" and the whole" attractive thing"...I absolutely love looking good and I wouldn't be a women if I didn't make surface comparisons between myself and other women!

I'm at the point in my job search that I beginning to feel the effects of Atlanta's over population...with a rising unemployment rate as we speak. However even with those facts (here's where the negativity comes into play)...I feel as if I should be the one to get the job in Atlanta...despite those conditions! I have two great degrees and I'm a hard worker ...why should I have to seek employment in another city? Reassessing...I believe the attachment for my family and love for the city, is not NEGATIVE. The NEGATIVE attachment exists within my education and my personal concept of my work ability. Because how could you not be attached to your family or place of birth, both of which contains pieces of your sanity, legacy and future. Leaving makes me fill like I'll miss something. What if the worst were to happen and I was nowhere around? States’ away chasing something earthly. And by earthly I mean something that is of no importance to the true nature of our existence (I'll stop there, I don't really want to get too religious). I would really be chasing the satisfaction of my ego (to work for a major company, and have an excess of funds). Yet, with all my reading and prayer, I still don't know the answer to this question...if I figure it out I'll post again.

To thicken the plot....this move can be seen as an attempt to follow a man! When in all actuality I applied across the country (minus the west coast, that's a little too far). I've already experienced the temporary nature of relationships...so I'm positive that this is neither primary nor secondary motive for me applying. And of course that's how it will be viewed...and here comes the ego! I don't even want to be seen in the light, I'm not that girl... I'm the independent, head strong, resourceful one... Well, that's what I'm trying to believe. But I'm I the girl that would let my ego detour me from a great opportunity? (now that's something to think about...)

With all that said...I'm still going to the interview and if offered I'll still take the job. Though uncertainty and ego rage high...so does the unhappiness that comes from unemployment!

The texture of desire...

What do you think DESIRE feels like? Is it smooth, strong, rough, bumpy??? WHAT?!?!?!?!

Or do you even believe it has a texture?

For me, I think it's all the above....smooth( it's approachable), strong(even after rejection, it remains), rough(fights away the "hate") and bumpy (allowing room for improvement)!

And today 8/6/2009, I feel it!!!....the DESIRE to be succesful!!!

However, in the current state of recession, success is not even in the horizon of desire...

Our only desire is to stay afloat...

By cutting corners, taking the opportunities that come, instead of seeking opportunities...simply because of financial restrictions, and ego based assumptions.