How I'm feeling

I feeling used...that's all. Just completely used!

Ms. Alicia Bell

Dear Alicia,

It's always hard to say goodbye to those we love...and today is no different. I couldn't even imagine your life ending so soon and with so much pain. I prayed daily for a different outcome, thinking that you would be the exception, the miracle!!!! But alas that wasn't in God's plan.

As I sit here pondering how much I should've done in your last days here on earth, I'm sadden by my narcissism. But when I really think about it, I wanted to call, I just didn't know what to say....how to act or what to talk about. Though none of that should have mattered, my emotional immaturity got in the way. AND I'M SORRY!!!

Ms. Alicia you will truly be missed, and your accomplishments here on earth will surely bring lasting happiness to those around you.

LOVE,
J

A theory on happiness

So.

Here I am settling into St. Louis life, finally working (in a upwardly mobile fashion), got the boo situation on deck, headed back to my fighting weight and I've found a couple people to hang with occasionally. One would think that everything is moving along great for me, right? Well....I've been chewing on this little theory for the last couple of years that has me thinking differently.

Question: Does happiness work on a balance system? Are we only allotted a certain amount of happiness at time? I'll give you a little background, every moment prior to this one I've been missing one, two, or three of the things I listed above (not that this is an all inclusive list, but of course these are key to a 26 year old WOMAN). Leaving me to assume, every aspect of your life CANNOT equate to happiness, simultaneously....

Think about it...we are always complaining about something, even if everything else in our life is great! And complaining definitely = unhappiness! For the longest, I would constantly complain about starting a career, even though I had a man (turned out to be a loser), in great shape and not a debt to my name...when a career had no choice but to come.

Then, finally after YEARS of self diagnosing I thought I'd found the secret! I broke out of my mold and took a risk (Moving to St. Louis). And for the last three months I'd reached a simultaneous state of happiness, debunking my little theory...but apparently I missed the elephant! And now it seems I've tilted the balance of happiness. It would be my luck that the one thing falling off the scale, is one thing I would've chose over everything.

Even though my study has a small sample size....I'm concluding it a FACT!

Peace

The joys of being carefree in a imperfect world.

I more readily let things go...

More readily allow imperfection in my life

From myself, others and lovers....

Imperfection exist...fighting it creates insanity.

Embracing it creates reality...

I wouldn't change my carefree nature for pure perfect or gold.

Yet, I expect a lot of myself...merely because I've been given some of the best opportunities.

But LIFE is for living not incessant perfecting...

LIFE is meant to be imperfect...filled with ups and downs...yellows and blues.

No one imperfection in LIFE will be the same...there's a plethora and we're meant to experience several shades.

Therefore....You hurt, you grow

NOT you hurt, you bleed dry from the wound...

Heal the hurt and let the scar serve as both a mark of completion and an imperfection that makes you unique.

EGO...

So I'm not all that great with posting everyday...despite the fact that I don't have anything to do but study for the next week. I think it's a lack of commitment that I have issues with...I'm working on it though.

Anyway, I've been rereading Eckhart Tolle's, A new earth. I was sure that during the first read the content didn't really sink in nor stick, plus I have tons of free time (being in-between jobs and visiting a state where I only know one person)...so I picked it up again. After progressing through the first three chapters I realize this book has taken on a new context though the content remained the same. I'm attributing this contextual transition to my ever changing mental schema. At the moment it's laced with fragmented thoughts of attachment and happiness. Both of which the book addresses...

So I sat back and identified all the things that my Ego attaches itself to, this is the list that I've come up with...my beloved city (Atlanta), my family (I love them so), any designer in my closet, being a nurturer, and a seemingly attractive lady. Now in the book he's doesn't state that all egoic attachment as negative... only if you use it to make yourself "right" and the other "wrong", or you somehow become better than someone else because of an attachment that you have gained. Looking back over my list I realize that I don't apply the attachment negatively upon anyone else...although I apply them negatively upon myself (in the light of holding back my growth and success). Well maybe the "designers" and the whole" attractive thing"...I absolutely love looking good and I wouldn't be a women if I didn't make surface comparisons between myself and other women!

I'm at the point in my job search that I beginning to feel the effects of Atlanta's over population...with a rising unemployment rate as we speak. However even with those facts (here's where the negativity comes into play)...I feel as if I should be the one to get the job in Atlanta...despite those conditions! I have two great degrees and I'm a hard worker ...why should I have to seek employment in another city? Reassessing...I believe the attachment for my family and love for the city, is not NEGATIVE. The NEGATIVE attachment exists within my education and my personal concept of my work ability. Because how could you not be attached to your family or place of birth, both of which contains pieces of your sanity, legacy and future. Leaving makes me fill like I'll miss something. What if the worst were to happen and I was nowhere around? States’ away chasing something earthly. And by earthly I mean something that is of no importance to the true nature of our existence (I'll stop there, I don't really want to get too religious). I would really be chasing the satisfaction of my ego (to work for a major company, and have an excess of funds). Yet, with all my reading and prayer, I still don't know the answer to this question...if I figure it out I'll post again.

To thicken the plot....this move can be seen as an attempt to follow a man! When in all actuality I applied across the country (minus the west coast, that's a little too far). I've already experienced the temporary nature of relationships...so I'm positive that this is neither primary nor secondary motive for me applying. And of course that's how it will be viewed...and here comes the ego! I don't even want to be seen in the light, I'm not that girl... I'm the independent, head strong, resourceful one... Well, that's what I'm trying to believe. But I'm I the girl that would let my ego detour me from a great opportunity? (now that's something to think about...)

With all that said...I'm still going to the interview and if offered I'll still take the job. Though uncertainty and ego rage high...so does the unhappiness that comes from unemployment!

The texture of desire...

What do you think DESIRE feels like? Is it smooth, strong, rough, bumpy??? WHAT?!?!?!?!

Or do you even believe it has a texture?

For me, I think it's all the above....smooth( it's approachable), strong(even after rejection, it remains), rough(fights away the "hate") and bumpy (allowing room for improvement)!

And today 8/6/2009, I feel it!!!....the DESIRE to be succesful!!!

However, in the current state of recession, success is not even in the horizon of desire...

Our only desire is to stay afloat...

By cutting corners, taking the opportunities that come, instead of seeking opportunities...simply because of financial restrictions, and ego based assumptions.